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Shinra SOLDIER Abridged
clock tower
lian_hua
                                      Shinra SOLDIER
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                                                               ~  Abridged Version
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Sephiroth: We are in SOLDIER!
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Julia: I'M FUCKING AMAZING!
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*Ineffective SOLDIER training. Our protagonists shine like tinfoil under a NASA spotlight*
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Reno: Time to see how the Turks train!
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Author: I love naive characters.
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  *Sephiroth and Julia go out after curfew. Torture time!*
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Sephiroth: Let's go out so I can make out with Rude.
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Julia: What??
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Reno: *sucks on Julia's face*
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WAR!
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Fort Condor: SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKERS!
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Shinra: Fuck. Throw the troopers out the gates! PROTECT DA MAKO!
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Sephiroth: *is fucking amazing*
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Julia: *IS ORGIASTICALLY AMAZING*
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FORT CONDOR < MARY SUE
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Midgar & Shinra: WE WON!
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Challenge time to determine the next Who's Who edition!
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Korokou: *twinkles*
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(P.S.: It is perfectly normal to have no idea who this guy is.)
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Julia: Out of my way, simpletons, here comes your new Commander.
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Sephiroth: *pwns Julia*
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Julia: *is pwned*
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SEPHIROTH IS THE NEW GENERAL!
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JULIA IS THE NEW COMMANDER!
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FIVE YEARS LATER
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Sephiroth & Julia, rich and powerful: 'Sup, losers.
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Hojo: Have some Jenova.
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Sephiroth: Fuck my life.
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Julia: *crashes car*
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Jenova: *trolls*
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AFTER THE RECOVERY
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Sephiroth: I want to prove that the cerebral damage I sustained in the car crash is irreversible by asking you to marry me.
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Julia: OMG YES.
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Wutai: SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKERS!
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Midgar: *sends Silver Boy and Juliatomic*
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Jenova: *MAXIMUM TROLLING*
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Sephiroth used rape! It is super effective!
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FIVE MINUTES LATER
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Julia: I'm all right! Let's go do some genocide!
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Empress Keara: Not so fast.
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Julia: *pwned*
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Sephiroth: NOOOOOOOO.
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Julia: Just kidding, yo.
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Audience: BOOOOOOO.
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Wutai: Fuck.
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Yuffie: I thought we were friends!
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Sephiroth: Correct use of past tense!
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WUTAI HAS BEEN DESTROYED
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Julia: Time to plan my wedding!
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Hojo: Not before fucking Red XIII.
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Red XIII: Something smells fishy here...
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Julia: I'M PREGNANT!
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THE WEDDING
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Sephiroth: I am bored witless.
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Julia: TIFA, I FORGOT HOW TO BREATHE. DO IT FOR ME!
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9 months later...
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Julia: I AM A MOTHER!
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Hojo: I let her breed. Mea maxima culpa. *proceeds to fix his mistake*
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Julia: *useless*
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Orion: *splat*
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Sephiroth: *handles everything*
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Julia: *useless*
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Sephiroth: Let's go kill some men without a fair trial.
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Julia: Yay!
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Hojo: *trolls*
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Sephiroth: Goddamit. Julia?
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Julia: *useless*
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(Gast was here.)
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Hojo: *Oscartroll nominee*
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Julia: *useless and poisoned*
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Sephiroth: I'm going crazy in here.
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Reno: I'm saving your lives!
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Sephiroth: Shut up, Reno.
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Hojo: *puts pimp hat on*
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Sephiroth: I am now your bitch.
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JULIA EATS SOME LEAD
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Audience: *throws panties at Hojo*
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Hojo: *wink*
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Julia: *dies*
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Sephiroth: Whatever.
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                                                                       THE END.
Tags:

Hojo: I let her breed. Mea maxima culpa. *proceeds to fix his mistake*

Don't blame yourself, Hojo. Blame the Sue and her boytoy for being so stupid that it's a wonder Jenova had any brain to inhabit at all. Other than that, hilarious and extremely accurate!

This was awesome! There's just one small mistake. The war with Fort Condor should have started like this:

Fort Condor: We're going to surprise you in three months, motherfuckers!

THREE MONTHS LATER

Fort Condor: SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Three weeks, actually. God, that arc was awful.


This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. *claps*

Hojo: I let her breed. Mea maxima culpa. *proceeds to fix his mistake*

Now, I'm just imagining Hojo dressing up as Frodo and singing Hellfire. It's funny.

While that thought is HILARIOUS, I think you mean Frollo.

Best summary ever? Best summary ever.

Just so you all know... The REAL Julia has a phobia of needles & shots (aichmophobia) if anyone wants to troll her on dA, just dedicate a 'Julia dies by needles' picture to her. Lulz will ensue, I guarantee it.

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